Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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