hotel room ftw
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
