Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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