let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
