i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
