The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
