I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
