I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
