haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
