My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
