just tell him i said nine months
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
