My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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