I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
