that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash