She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
