party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
