theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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