God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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