Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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