oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
