We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i think i have two assholes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
