im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
