Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
