Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I intend to get homeless drunk
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
