Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
