two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
