in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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