Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Bring me that man meat
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
