it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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I have surprise drugs for everyone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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