respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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