The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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