Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
