My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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