Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
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Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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