Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im holly from the hills drunk
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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