I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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