I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just high enough for therapy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize