sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
