Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
