No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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