When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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