I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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