your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
