everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He has the fingertips of a God
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