you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
