He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
