She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
