i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
