Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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