you traded sex for a burrito?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
