When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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