last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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