apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
