Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
