i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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